FLETCH LIVES SCRIPT
For the first time on the net...
Laker Jim's Fletch Won Homepage presents Fletch Fans everywhere the 1988 Fletch Lives Script.
PART 1 - BEGINING (1) to FLETCH SENDS
GILLET PACKING AND FALLS ASLEEP(47)
PART 2 - FLETCH GETS THE CALL (48) to...ZIP A DEE DOO DAH (55)
PART 3 - FLETCH SEES HIS BELLE ISLE (56) to FLETCH MEETS CALCULUS (67)
PART 4 - FLETCH SIGNS FOR BELLE ISLE (68) to FLETCH "BEN"DS OVER (77)
PART 5 - CALL ME HAM (78) to AN INTERUPTION FROM THE KLAN (91)
PART 6 - WHAT CAN I DO TO YOU...FOR YOU? (92) to BUGBUSTERS (110)
PART 7 - CALCULUS' SHACK (111) to THE 4,323rd TELEVISION MINISTRY (130)
PART 8 - IRWIN, COME ON DOWN (131) to...
Click here to Listen to the Fletch Midi while you read
Based on the novel
GREGORY MC DONALD
1 EXT. POSH GREEK SEAFOOD RESTAURANT - NIGHT
It's past midnight. A neon sign: "Kakakis Cafe". A "Closed" sign on the door, but a light still burns inside.
2 INT. RESTAURANT - TIGHT ON A TANK OF FIGHTING LOBSTERS
PAN off to a vast sea of empty tables and chairs. Five MEN sit at the only occupied table. Three are the owners, the three Kakakis brothers; the others are a plain-clothes policeman, O'RIELLY, and an accountant, who sits with open books and a calculator.
We took in one hundred thirteen thousand
List it as codfish.
A hundred twenty thousand from the Gonzalez fight.
That includes sixty from our chain in the valley,
twenty from Long Beach. Hundred twenty total.
Put that under halibut.
One eighty thousand from the track.
We already got over two million in scrod this month!
What's the guy from the IRS gonna say?
He's not gonna say anything. He's the biggest
expense under scrod.
As the conversation continues, the CAMERA DOLLYS across the tile floor to reveal a very large SCRUBWOMAN wearing a dirty white dress, sensible Wedgies and her hair in a bun. She's humming "The Song of the Volga Boatmen". The scrubwoman reaches into the bucket with a sponge.
3 INSERT BUCKET
Dirty water, but in the rinse rack, under a dirty sponge, a steno pan on which abundant notes are scrawled, and an attached pencil.
4 THE SCRUBWOMAN'S POV
How're you listing my stake?
Seventy five thousand dollars worth of breakage?
(breaking a plate in front of the cop)
We're Greeks. We dance. We throw plates. We're clumsy.
5 INSERT STENO PAD
The scrubwoman writes:
150 G = Police Bribe
PAN UP to REVEAL SCRUBWOMAN'S FACE.
It's FLETCH. A convincing disguise, right down to a beauty mark on the right cheek.
He begins to crawl out on his hands and knees, still humming.
7 INT. THE HALLWAY TO THE PHONE AND RESTROOMS
UNCLE KAKAKIS, who with his limited vision and unlimited libido is immediately attracted to the zaftig scrublady. His appointment as security guard was clearly an act of charity. He catches up with the scrublady and puts his hand on Fletch's left buttock.
What's your name, little lady?
Fletch flashes a half-hearted smile.
He grabs Fletch's leg.
I like a woman with big thighs.
Suddenly Uncle Kakakis freezes and his eyes go wide.
A polish sausage. I stole it from the kitchen.
Please don't tell.
(looking him in the eye)
Well..we need to talk about this.
Could I just freshen up? Splash some
water on my face?
Whatever makes you feel sexy.
8 INT. LADIES' ROOM
Fletch looks around, sees an open window above the sink. He turns on the water to cover the noise of climbing out. He hikes up his skirt, revealing his boxer shorts and hairy legs, and making it easier to climb out the window.
9 EXT. ALLEY - CLOSE ON FLETCH
as he looks out the window.
10 HIS POV
He's about ten feet in the air, but fortunately there's a black sedan parked under the window.
11 THE HOOD
as he drops onto it and goes into a crouch to soften his drop. He looks into the sedan.
12 THROUGH THE WINDSHIELD
The Kakakis brothers, preparing to drive off, have seen him and recognize his as both the maid and a man. His steno pad in his hand.
13 THE GEAR SHIFT
slammed into reverse as the car hurtles backwards.
is rolled off the car and lies dazed at the end of the alley.
15 INT. SEDAN
He's either an honest cop or a nosy reporter.
If it's a cop, kill him. If it's a reporter, cripple him.
How can I tell?
Just kill him.
16 EXT. ALLEY
They slam the stickshift into gear and speed toward the stunned Fletch.
He rolls out of the way at the last minute, and the sedan slams into the wall at the end of the alley. The men are trapped inside the crumpled car.
Picks himself up and, hobbling on one Wedgie, disappears around the corner.
18 CLOSE ON A TYPEWRITTEN HEADLINE:
"SOMETHING'S FISHY - A JANE DOE EXPOSE"
WIDE TO REVEAL
18-40 INT. FLETCH'S NEWSPAPER - FRANK'S OFFICE - NIGHT
Fletch stands in front of Frank's desk. His wig is off but he still wears the dress and has rouge on his cheeks.
(laying down the copy)
It's great, as usual, Fletch. We'll have
it in the next edition.
Good. See you in two weeks.
"Uh...Fletch?" Frank, I see a double
cross in your eyes. You promised me
a vacation and I'm taking it.
(out the door)
After the sewer story.
41 INT. CITY ROOM
The few remaining STAFF people watch as Fletch, still wearing only one shoe, hounds Frank across the room.
What are you talking about? I spent eight nights
scrubbing floors, then I rushed back to type the
story in time, I got dishwater hands, sore knees,
some guy tried to feel me up, three guys tried to
kill me, and my girdle is killing me. Frank, you
promised me a vacation.
And you'll have a vacation - right after
you research and write the sewer system expose.
Frank, you owe me a vacation.
And you'll have it in July.
That's two months away.
That's why you're a great reporter. You
know the facts.
(pausing at the exit)
By the way, Fletch, the new computer disallowed
your undocumented expenses. The money you owe is
being taken out of this week's check.
Frank, you can't...
There's nothing I can do about it.
It's all done automatically...
Fletch looks pitiful indeed as he stands next to the water cooler in his washerwoman attire. The only worker near him is an ANCIENT COPY BOY, emptying a file. Fletch puts one hand on his own aching back.
(to the copy boy)
On top of everything else, I'm getting my period.
42 EXT. FLETCH'S APARTMENT BUILDING - DAWN
He drops his weary carcass into the building.
43 INT. HALLWAY IN FRONT OF FLETCH'S APARTMENT
Stuffed in his doorway is a bill from the landlady stamped "OVERDUE" and a "Fumigation Alert". He wads in disgust.
44 INT. APARTMENT
Fletch enters and looks.
45 FLETCH'S POV
Gillet is sitting on Fletch's couch, reading a magazine and drinking a glass of juice, his briefcase at his feet.
No wonder I got a fumigation alert.
He looks toward his kitchen window, and through it to the fire escape. The window is open.
How did you get in here?
The window was open. I knocked. I could
swear I heard you say, "Come in."
You sure know how to cover your ass...
although those pants are a big mistake.
I'm not leaving until you pay me four
thousand three hundred and eighty-one
dollars in back alimony.
What? I was married to you?
Gillet shakes his head in disgust.
You're right. I've been foolishly squandering
my salary on food and heat. Besides, I hear she's
sleeping with a wimpy, balding lawyer
who's rolling in dough.
(Pointing to a court order in his open briefcase)
You have one week to comply with Judge Proctor's
orders - payment in full. Otherwise, you go to jail.
(examining the briefcase)
Nice briefcase. Isn't this what they
give you when you stay five nights and
only use one towel at a Motel Six? Must
look great in the back seat of your Yugo.
(he picks something up)
Look. Here's a note from the Oakwood Potency
Clinic. "Sorry to inform you that our machine
cannot process sperm counts as low as yours."
(finishing his juice)
Let me have my briefcase, please.
"Boys in Bondage". Look...they've added
a scratch 'n' sniff page!
(He holds up a floppy disk in
it's protective envelope)
What is this?
Fletch, put that down!
(reading a note book)
How efficient. I'll bet you've got all
your records in one notebook...oops.
He drops the notebook and steps on it. Then he drops everything in the briefcase.
Sorry. Sorry. Sorry.
As Gillet ad libs complaints, Fletch puts the contents of the briefcase in the sink and scrubs them with wire brush.
let me wash this off for you. Oh, no,
I dropped it; I'll get it clean. There
you go - clean as a whistle.
He snaps Gillet's briefcase closed and opens the door for him, handing him the disk.
47 INT. - FLETCH
turns on his answering machine. It plays on and on as he removes the rouge and his scrubwoman disguise.
Hi, Fletch. This is Madeleine. I know we were
supposed to get together tomorrow night. But my
horoscope says Scorpios should avoid physical contact
for the rest of the month. Maybe my astrologist was
just telling me this because he wants to keep me to
himself. But he wouldn't do a thing like that, would he?
I mean, they're like doctors...
Fletch spins ahead.
It's Lou at Paine Webber. I didn't think
your stock could go lower, but...
Fletch spins ahead and stops at an unfamiliar voice. During the following he lies on his sofa, exhausted.
This is Amanda Ray Ross. It's Thursday,
five p.m. I can be reached at my office
(Fletch is falling asleep)
I'm an attorney in Thibodaux, Louisiana.
I'm also the executor of the will for your
Aunt Belle Fletcher. I would like to offer
my condolences and inform you that you are
the major beneficiary of her estate.
All this has fallen on sleeping ears. Fletch is lying on his bed, snoring.
CONTINUED In SECTION 2
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